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Author Topic: In desperate need of advice about my boyfriend & God's plan for us...  (Read 6321 times)

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Offline rayanne0129

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I've been dating a wonderful Christian man for a year and a half. As a matter of fact, I've never met anyone who lived so fully for God the way he does. Anyway, he is completely in love with me, and I love him, but I know that I don't love him the way that he loves me. I have been in love before, and the love I have for my current boyfriend is quite a bit less than the love I had for a past boyfriend. Although I'm not head over heels for him, the Lord has spoken to my heart several times about him and told me that he is The One. My boyfriend has said that the Lord has told him the same thing. I know that if I married him, I would be happy forever, but I still think the whole situation is unfair for both of us. He has seriously changed my life. He showed me what a relationship with God is supposed to look like, and if it weren't for him, I would not be saved. If the Lord continues to tell me that I am supposed to marry this man, I will gladly do it, because I want what He wants, and like I said, I know that my boyfriend would make me happy forever and support me. At the same time, my soul hurts when I think that I may end up marrying someone who doesn't give me butterflies and who I'm not madly in love with. Like I said, I DO love him, but not to the extent that I would marry him if the Lord weren't pointing me in that direction. I hope all of this makes sense.

I know that God has gigantic plans for that man. I know that He will use him regardless of whether or not I'm in his life forever.

I know that none of you can tell me what to do, because that is up to God, but have any of you ever been in a similar situation? I feel completely and utterly lost, frustrated, and confused. I will gladly take all the advice you can give. Thank you so much in advance for your thoughts and concerns.

God's blessings and peace.
-Rayanne

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Offline Debrah

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Re: In desperate need of advice about my boyfriend & God's plan for us...
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2010, 06:51:18 AM »
hi, marriage is so much more than will this person make me happy or give me butterflies of passion.  Marriage is a holy communion, your lives dedicated to the glory of God.

You could go through premarital counseling to help you understand a Godly marriage, and keep praying to make sure you are hearing God correctly.

God Bless

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Re: In desperate need of advice about my boyfriend & God's plan for us...
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2010, 06:51:18 AM »

Offline phoebe

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Re: In desperate need of advice about my boyfriend & God's plan for us...
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2010, 08:43:38 AM »
Romantic love is fleeting.  Where is your romantic love now?  Gone.

Real love is a choice.  A choice to stay.  A choice to support.  A choice to protect.  A choice to feed and nurture.  A choice to for whom to sacrifice.

Choose wisely.



(p.s.  My "romantic love" husband left me repeatedly for many others for seven long years before he finally left me.  I did not choose wisely.  My choice-love and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary last March.  I let God choose for me because I did not trust my own choices.  He chose wisely.)
"IMO"

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Offline chosenone

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Re: In desperate need of advice about my boyfriend & God's plan for us...
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2010, 07:53:45 PM »
rayanne
I felt uneasy on reading your post, because I sense that you are having real doubts as to whether this man is the one that you want to marry. If you weren't, you wouldn't be here. If you haven't got total peace about it, then that may well be Gods way of telling you that it isn't right. The Bible says to let peace be our guide. Take doubts seriously.You even admitted that you wouldnt marry him, except that you feel God is telling you to. To me that is a BIG red flag. My husband felt that God was telling him to marry his first wife, and that marriage was unhappy and eventually ended, so be very careful. He knows now that it wasnt what God was saying at all.

May I suggest that you go to a mature and godly Christian lady (or maybe your pastor or an elder)that you trust and tell her/them what you have said here and ask her to pray with you about it. Ask God together to make it 100% clear one way or the other.

For the time being at least, please don't start planning marriage or anything like that. Just because this man is good and godly and has helped you spiritually, that doesn't mean that he is the one that God wants you to marry.You are grateful to him for leading you to Christ, but again,definately not a reason to marry the man.

It may be a very good idea, if the doubts carry on, to have a complete break from each other,(ie no contact) for an agreed time, maybe 6 months, when you can both wait on God and pray for clear direction. Its an enormous decision, and even the smallest doubt definitely needs to be taken notice of. Its better to do this, and be absolutely sure, than to make an enormous mistake that you may always regret. I am sure that after 6 months you would definately know for sure one way or another. Of course you will miss him, but 6 months would give you both time to reflect and pray. If it does turn out that he is the one, then brilliant, but if he isnt you could be making the biggest mistake of your life. You need to be sure.
God Bless
« Last Edit: October 03, 2010, 08:36:55 PM by chosenone »
In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

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Re: In desperate need of advice about my boyfriend & God's plan for us...
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2010, 07:53:45 PM »
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Offline Grace1970

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Re: In desperate need of advice about my boyfriend & God's plan for us...
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2010, 07:52:22 AM »
Rayanne

I was moved by your post and your situation. You are right that no-one can tell you what is right for you.

I just want to share my experience with you. Over 10 years ago I had a very intense long distance relationship with someone who I fell deeply in love with. I will call him A. He had an intense personality and so did I. We were briefly engaged, which he broke off, and then we had after years of an on-off relationship. We stayed as on-line friends with me always hoping we were finally get together and marry.

I was always worried that I would never meet someone I loved as much as A. Then when I was 35, I met a Christian man at work (J) and we developed a friendship.  It was gentle relationship, and developed very slowly into a romance. During the time of our friendship I constantly worried if I could feel as much for him as I had done about A. I even went for counselling because I was so worried that he was the man for me but my feelings weren't strong enough.

We dated for a year and I realised that although our relationship wasn't as intense as the one I had with A, it was healthier, more balanced, and better for me. There was a strong attraction also but that wasn't the main thing. We married four years ago and are very happy. I came to the conclusion that he was someone with depth, character, godliness and values that I shared, and that the Lord was leading us to marriage. Our love and attraction was deep and mutual but it was different from with A because J's personality is calmer and quieter.

I say all this because feelings of love can be so fickle and so sometimes we look for something that is just surface level. What makes a good marriage are all the things you have with your current boyfriend, so don't overlook that in your search for something that matches a previous relationship. I am glad I didn't because Gods choice for me was better than the man I had wanted so much.

I agree with the previous poster - talk to a Christian woman and share how you are feeling. It might be an idea for you to have some time apart from your boyfriend so you can see if you miss his friendship. It sounds to me as though you do love him because you want to best for him and because he is such a man of God, However, you need some time to work out if you want to marry him. Ultimately christian marriage is 2 people choosing to enter into a covenant relationship, so you both have to make that choice and be free from a y major doubts.


Praying God will bless you and lead and guide you.

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Re: In desperate need of advice about my boyfriend & God's plan for us...
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2010, 07:52:22 AM »



Offline studybuddy

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Re: In desperate need of advice about my boyfriend & God's plan for us...
« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2010, 12:38:20 AM »
I met a young vivacious  man in 1986 and we had an intense relationship.  He was studding to be a minister at a local Bible College. I was intensely focused on all the good traits.  We got engaged;  a couple months into it Mama begged me to pray and ask God for confirmation.  I did and I asked God for five things to happen to confirm it was His will and they all happened.  So the wedding plans went on and had a grand wedding with people from nine different countries in it, a dressed valued at $1500., etc...   Three months after we were married, in the middle of a calm discussion, he informed me he was an atheist.  The reason he pursued Christianity so vigorously is the same reason he pursued his profession vigorously,  you have to work hard and be committed if you want to succeed.  I tried so hard to make it work anyway.  At his request, our divorce became final 5 days shy of our ninth anniversary.

I wasn't as smart as one of the other posters.  My second marriage was an extremely intense emotional roller.  We met and he started going to church.  He went to the alter and came up so happy it was amazing.  We started doing Bible Studies together and I begin praying for God to change our attitudes to fit His will whenever we came to a difference of opinions.  I figured through this God was using a new babe in Christ, with some really rough spots, to polish my Christian attitude.  My relationship with God was getting more personal and mature then my newly converted husband, so I started a separate personal Bible Study.  I knew things were always extremes with him, but I could see that they were steadily settling into a walk with Christ.   Then his intensity ran into one of his weakness and he chose to turn his back on God and me.  Our divorce ripped me apart.  There are on fire Christians that burn hot and brilliant, but when they burn out, it is just as dramatic.

I bumped into a man I went to high school with a long time ago.  He's a much more quiet personality and already had intent to marry some one that was a Christian.  He patiently waited a year after his proposal for me to make sure I was at peace with marring him.  I love him in ways I didn't feel for the first two because I can trust him and I know he values my being at peace.  I tell every one "I should have married him at 14, when we met in high school.  My life (spiritual, emotional, and every other way) would have been completely more stable. And my whole family agrees.  We've been married 19 months now.  Remember, God comes to us in a still quiet voice and He is not the author of confusion.  If this was God's telling you--there would be no doubts or confusion. You would be confident even in the quiet times when you are alone.  For God did not come to give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and a sound mind.

I pray you listen for God in the still small voice when you are quietly alone.   

looking for redemption

Offline DA4hope

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Re: In desperate need of advice about my boyfriend & God's plan for us...
« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2010, 04:54:06 AM »
I believe commitment to a marriage is mostly a Choice. If he and you are both willing to stick to a Choice, I DO believe the sort of "love" you are speaking of will develop. But you both must be positive that this is what you want. I find that my husband and I fall in love a bit more each day. At first, he was different than others, it was not a hot steamy romance, but i knew I could trust him.  With trust, God can build a powerful and wonderful relationship between a man and woman.  I hope these words provide a little comfort to your question. 

-Diamond Angel

Offline janine

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Re: In desperate need of advice about my boyfriend & God's plan for us...
« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2010, 06:29:32 AM »
There's an old quote -- I don't know who originally said it --

"Feelings come and feelings go, feelings are deceiving
Put your faith in the Word of God, naught else is worth believing."

If the butterflies/ onfire/ what a hottie type feelings were the point of it all, we'd all be damned to a real mess in life.  If the validity of your marriage (or your love of your children, or your love of God) depended upon how you feel about them, what happens on a day when you no longer have the same feelings?

Physical ills can alter feelings.  Emotional ills can alter feelings. Spiritual ills can alter feelings.  Medicines you have to take can alter feelings.  Misunderstandings can alter feelings.

Rather than looking for Mr. Hearts-and-Flowers, look for Mr. Fantastic Christian Man Who Honors You.  Through the years and up-and-down feelings you can "fall in love" again and again with the second man -- but the first man may not have the kind of character framework and compatibility with you to offer the chance to "fall in love" again.
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Offline Renae610

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Re: In desperate need of advice about my boyfriend & God's plan for us...
« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2010, 10:41:47 PM »
God sends people into our lives, for a reason, seasons, and/or a lifetime.   It is for His purposes, for us, for others, and for His glory.

He brings us into the full potential that He has for our lives, as we grow through relationships.  Are you both growing, and growing because you have each other? That is a great relationship.  The best quality is being "teachable".

Do not compare the past to the present, because God is doing a new thing.  The "love relationship" you had in the past did not last because it was not mature enough. IF you find yourself constantly looking back or comparing... have you realized why that past relationship did not have a future?  Let God reveal the truth to you so you can let go of it and embrace what God puts before you.  God is bringing you into a more mature form of love, fellowship, partnership, and serving Him and others... 

Marriage is a "calling" from the Lord, to unite the two that He envisions to be one.  While people look at the outward appearance, God sees the hearts. .  He gives the couple a spiritual bond. Remember that verse, "what God has joined together, let not men separate"?  So the question is, has God joined your spirits and hearts and given you a common vision for serving Him?  Are your spiritual gifts compatible to carry out this vision? 

If God wants you with this man, He will confirm it to you.  It is o.k. to ask questions and wait upon Him to reveal His will.